December 30- We aren’t the type of family to live in a hotel. It’s 2:30 p.m. and my 5-year-old son and black chihuahua are napping in a 290 square foot hotel room. It’s the third time the we’ve moved in fifty-nine days. And as I sit in the dark corner of the room thinking, I notice not one word sums up my frustration. Perhaps writing through it will help me find understanding, but I will only allow 10 minutes to share. So here goes.
I don’t understand what I’m missing. I heard a message that says every problem has a purpose from Bishop T.D. Jakes last Sunday, so I’m searching for this purpose. I know God doesn’t always reveals things to you while you are going through it. And how you handle the problem does matter. But, I pray more than ever, stay positive, encourage everyone, but today is different. All throughout the day, especially today, I feel useless. This morning I washed clothes and washed my husbands cell phone. Although I prayed it would work immediatly, and God would send provisions if a new phone is needed. Still it’s so embarrassing. What little money I have is owed for the hotel room, actually I have zero dollars to be honest. And zero dollars can’t cover the new phone. Who am I kidding? I can’t help but feel useless, like a problem. I cost money. I am a headache, I want to write stories, inspire others, share God’s word, activate others faith, but I’m perplexed at how much it seems to cost to be associated with me. The costs for monthly expenses are as follows: storage facility; $153; hotel room, $73 ; phone, $123; gas, $189 And all of this is due by the first or second of the month! What kind of partner am I? I feel guilty that I cost so much. Feeling guilty gets nothing accomplished. All I see is problems on top of problems.
Tomorrow we check out the hotel, and the house we thought we would move into isn’t an option anymore. There’s another house we saw last week, and the owner plans to call over the weekend. But truthfully, who knows if its the one. My prayer is that God shows us, not what we want, but what He wants. And the anticipation is unerving. My husband hates living in this small room. And I have wondered if this is something we’ve caused upon ourselves. Did we judge too many people, live the wrong way ourselves? Well, I know the bible says “All things work together for the good of those who love the lord… So, all doesn’t mean some, it actually mens all. I never promised my husband I would be an expert clothing washer, I am an author, a motivator, a speaker, and so much more. I can make a difference and do my job where every I am. Perhaps, God has me in this space, this small space to open up my creativity. A new business idea? Who knows, but instead of focusing on mistakes, I must focus on “what I can do right now”.
1. Keep praying and reading God’s word because it offers insight and direction.
2.Keep telling people about Jesus- Today, I told the T-Mobile lady about Bishop T.D. Jakes New Years Eve service, she can watch it online too.
3. Organize our clothes, so I may find things- and give away clothes I don’t need- not to organizations, but find people who need fashionable hands up.
4. Find ways to combine bills
5. Make a plan for writing while in the hotel. Yes, it’s not my normal office, but I’ve traveled before, I can do this..
6. Celebrate what you have accomplished now. Be happy for today. Every day is a gift. Whether it’s your birthday or not, don’t take life for granted. Focus on what you can do.
And there you have it people.. My journal entry from Dec 30.. a few years ago.. I am sharing this for one reason.. Any guesses?
Wrong thinking can lead you to big mistakes.. There I was calling myself useless.
First of all , I am anything but useless. I save my family money all the time. I negotiate an amazing rate at the hotel. I’m a women that steps out on faith and climbs the mountain tops.. But on that day, I felt useless.. And I was so wrong. God doesn’t make anyone useless. And if He loves me, and isn’t calling me crazy names, why am I meditating on all the negative emotions? Do you understand! You have to love yourself the way God loves you.. And when you don’t , you find yourself stuck in a corner writing about your negative feelings. And that’s not how you move forward. That’s not how you make your dreams come true.
You’ve come this far, the year is almost finished, you have been so strong, reclaiming property, setting harder goals, walking in faith, and going for all your dreams, so don’t even for one minute write about failures, or being useless.
In my journal, I started questioning my own decesions. And what I learned is, let God be God, and you be you.
If I went down the wrong road, God would let me know. Just because I wasn’t sure why our home was taking so long didn’t mean I was a failure.. It’s just a part of the story. And if you share all the details at the beginning of the story, you have no story to tell.
Every day, you have to choose to think the right way. Life is hard, and struggles come, but if you continue until the end, you will win the prize.. And 8 days later, the man who said he would call back, he did, and we finally moved from tent living (aka hotel living) into our home.. What was the hold up? The house wasn’t even on the market.